Which Took's the Tooks' Took?
by The Sorting Hat's Sunglasses
Summary: Meet Diamond of Long Cleeve and her crazy, snobbish family. Don't fret, she hates them all. Her mum won't let her run outside; her dad keeps making pompous speeches; her brothers terrorise the neighbours; and then there are her sisters – I'm not even gonna go there! Join Diamond on her sarcastic rant through the Northern Shire. Keep an eye out for another well-known Took...!
1. Chapter 1

Day One: _Being the first day of knowing about the existence of one Peregrin Took._

He's called Pippin. _What a name!_ His name is Peregrin Took but everyone calls him Pip or Pippin. Oh and he's so cute. Peregrin Took. Pippin! And he is so very funny. Him and that Merry are inseparable, the terrible twosome. The two terrible trixters.

Of course, my older sister Bandora said they were immature and that the southern Tooks, as us northerners call them, should control their little Pippin. But she's a snooty little snob – no better than the Sackville-Bagginses if you ask me... which no one does.

Because I'm the second youngest of twelve children. Twelve little hobbits. Three pairs of twins, all of which are boys, and then three more boys on top of that. Then there's my older sister, Bandora and younger sister Melody-Sapphire, or Mel as most people call her. The three youngest of the twelve. Oh my life is wonderful... NOT!

I just can't fit in! At all. All my older brothers can go gallivanting around the northern shire, getting into all sorts of mischief. But me and my dear sisters cannot. NOT FAIR!

And my sisters both hate me. But I hate them more. Mel was originally supposed to be called just Melody but when she was born and opened her eyes my dear parents just had to put sapphire in her name because of her blue eyes. Just add to her vanity then! For she unfairly is the prettiest hobbit to grace the northern Shire.

She has beautiful blonde hair that curls perfectly into cute little golden ringlets. She has big blue eyes and long eyelashes which she bats when she wants something from someone. Eurgh! I hate it when she does that. Everyone dotes on her and only Bandora and I know that she's not really as sweet and adorable as she looks. All she wants is everyone to love her and worship her – I know; despicable

But Bandora is no better. Bandora is snobby and bossy and horrible. At least she's ugly. She has dull boring limp greasy brown hair and tiny watery blue eyes. She has a pasty complexion and because she refuses to spend any time out of the house, she is as pale as a white orc.

Not that I've ever seen an orc or goblin. But I'd like to – if they ever try and invade the northern boundary of the shire again then I'll be ready. Did you know that my great grandfather Bandobras 'Bullroarer' Took prevented a huge goblin invasion into the Shire. Oh yeah, and he invented golf. Just saying.

But back to Pippin. I love him. I watched him the whole night of the party. We had a party to celebrate the anniversary of the Battle of Greenfields. That was when Bullroarer defeated the goblins and invented golf. He cut the head of the leader with a huge stroke and it went flying down a rabbit hole. We celebrate it every year – you know just to show off to the whole of the Shire that we northern Tooks are important too. And they wonder why I hate my family. They're just so distasteful!

I know my father wants to be Thain because he thinks it's his right as a Took. What an idiot! Mum agrees though, but it's really embarrassing; do they not know that half the Shire laughs behind their backs. We are literally the Sackville-Bagginses of the north. By the Valar I hate my life.

But back to Pippin. I didn't speak to him at all but that's fine because I don't really talk to anyone. I'm not shy ok! I just don't particularly like being social. So there.

But I did watch him. The tricks that he and Merry were getting up to. My great aunt Lucinda couldn't work out why her wine tasted like vinegar. She still drank it all though! And during one of my dad's pompous speeches, Pippin 'accidentally' let go one of his fireworks. It's a good job we were outside! That was when Bandora took a dislike to him. She idolises dad. Eurgh! - even the thought of it makes me want to throw up. All over her.

He did speak to me once. Pippin that is. It was when Merry had left to go to the loo and he was on his own. I had spent the night sitting under the old apple tree, watching the goings on, and by this time I had climbed up into the branches to hide from my mother. No one could see me... but Pippin did.

He walked over to the tree and threw up a chicken leg and a flagon of wine.

"Some supplies my lady," he said, "To last you in case you are besieged by your family." I laughed at this – someone finally understands me – and he looked up at me, winked, and then walked off.

And ever since then (then being last night), my heart has belonged to Peregrin Took. My Pippin.

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 **A/N: Opinions? Yay or nay? :P**


	2. Chapter 2

Day Two: _The Morning After The Night Before_

I got up sooo late this morning. I mean, everyone did really but I just couldn't seem to face my family. It's like I've met a slice of heaven and now I have to carry on living without it even though I know it's out there. I'm talking about Pippin of course! PIPPIN!

He knows I'm not like the rest of my family. He gets me. Finally someone gets me! I am such a typical tweenager, so misunderstood. But I am, ok! My parents think I'm odd. I'm not like Mel or Bandora. They both like sitting inside, being pretty and sweet. And Mel is very good at being sweet, Bandora less so. Self-righteous little snob that she is!

It was she who woke me up this morning. She came barging into the room that me and Mel share. Oh and guess what – just because Bandora is the oldest girl, she gets her own room! How unfair! Mum says it's because she's going to turn thirty-three soon so needs a separate room like a proper little grown up. Such utter rubbish. I'm only four years younger than her but do I get my own room? N-O- spells never gonna happen in a million years!

But anyway, so it was Bandora who woke me up. There are a lot of things I could say about dear little Mel but even she wouldn't sink so low as to wake me up in the morning after a crazy night before.

No, it was bossy-boots-Bandora who came bursting into mine and Mel's room to tell me to get up. Oh-ho and you think that by tell I mean call my name softly till I wake up, or to tap me on the shoulder or any number of none-violent, completely dry, does not involve the pigs' water ways of waking a person, a family member, up in the morning.

And let me tell you something, those stupid pigs all had severe colds.

This morning I was woken up by pig bogies being thrown all over me by Bandora-really-should-be-a-Sackville-Baggins-too-good-for-manners-Took.

Aren't the mornings beautiful? The world is just waking up, it's a new day, the birds are twittering gently in the sky, and you're covered in farm animal phlegm and have an urge to kill your older sister.

And when I jumped up and chased her along the hallway, guess who got shouted at? That's right – me.

"Don't run Diamond," my father drawled from his comfy chair by the window, "And let go of your sister's hair."

"Diamond!" My mother shouted, "Stop pulling your sister's hair!" She's more direct like that, to the point. Dad prefers to appear to be subtle.

'Course he isn't really subtle. He wouldn't know what subtlety is if it smacked him in the face with a spade covered in pig bogies. And that's saying something, especially with the whole pig bogies thing. Talking from bad personal experience with pig bogies that is.

Anyway, so there I was, being told off by both my parents in their own unique ways. I was standing in the kitchen dripping wet pig snot all over the oak floor when there came knock at the door. Mel, the sweet little darling she is opened it of course because she loves showing off to people and what better way to show off than opening the front door. Idiot child!

The door swung open and there stood Frodo Baggins. He saw me standing there dripping in the wet slime of pig's bogies and looked well, terrified I guess. Like – who is this crazy hobbit girl covered in slime and wearing only her night dress. I was also a bit red in the face from chasing after Bandora.

"Oh Frodo how wonderful to see you," Mel trilled putting on her silliest most flirtatious voice. She's like that around any young male hobbit. If it's possible I think that Frodo looked even more terrified. He's one of those ones who doesn't really understand flirting or girls for that matter.

"Oh Seredic," my mother cried, almost scaring of the already terrified Baggins, "It's Frodo Baggins!" My father came bouncing over to the door with an almost manic smile on his face. For professional social climbers my parents are really bad at working out who to actually suck up to.

I guess they still think of the Baggins' name as a respectable well-to-do sort. Well I'm no fool, I know that Frodo's Uncle Bilbo went on some strange adventure and now has a secret stash of gold and jewels.

I gave Frodo a suspicious look which he saw, probably terrified him more but oh well – his uncle is a known dwarf lover.

Meanwhile my parents continued to fawn over Frodo and then pushed a blushing Bandora under his nose. Now that really terrified him! Ha – they're very similar in age so of course my dear parents are thinking that it would be a perfect match.

From Frodo's face, I think he would have disagreed. When Bandora is blushing and trying to flirt it is more terrifying than my Aunt Lucinda's cottage pie. Now that really is saying something – my older brother Hubert thinks that's what killed Uncle Bork! Died of shock apparently...

So there was Frodo awkwardly trying to get rid of the letter he was carrying, cornered by the worst of my family whilst I watched. Finally I took pity on him, deciding that although his Uncle might be a bit peculiar, he himself was not.

So I rugby tackled Bandora to the ground, in the same motion snatching the letter from Frodo's outstretched hand. Two birds with one stone – I got my revenge on Bandora _and_ saved poor Frodo Baggins from the horror that is my family.

Frodo looked a little horrified but then quickly pulled himself together and whilst my parents and sisters were distracted, made a hasty exit. I, of course, was left with the unhappy consequences.

"Oh you stupid child!" My mother shouted, "You've got slime all over your sister's best dress." I can't even figure out why she was wearing her best dress anyway, unless my parents somehow figured out that Frodo was coming. I don't know how though.

"Go to your room Diamond," my father said, shouting despite himself, "You have probably ruined the best chance of your sister to marry well – a Baggins of all people to come knocking on our door. Respectable folk they are."

"Not Bilbo!" I retorted, outraged by their stupidity; "He is an adventurer and has dragon gold hidden beneath Bag End."

If I'm perfectly honest, this makes Bilbo Baggins about ten times more interesting. Of course my parents would not agree.

"Stop your filthy lies," my dad boomed, "And give me that." He snatched the letter from my hand.

"Now go to your room you silly child," my mother said.

And that it seemed was that. Just my luck.

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 **A/N: Thank y'all muchly for the reviews. I am interpreting them all as a 'yay' to this story so I'm gonna keep writing it. The chapters are going to be short (and hopefully sweet!) because that way I'm more likely to write them rather than procrastinating.**

 **This is something I don't want to force so I'm just going write when I feel like it so don't expect regular updates. I'm sorry I can't promise better but there you go** \\_(ツ)_/

 _ **And again - thank you for reviewing and reading! :D X**_


	3. Chapter 3

Day Three - wait no – Two. Yes, Day Two, Part... Er...:

 _The Afternoon Of Day Two aka it's easy to escape from a hobbit hole cos the windows are all pretty much level with the ground._

 _'_'_

Well they are!

So to recap – I nobly saved Frodo Baggins from the horror that is my family and got unjustly sent to my room. Ok ok – so I also kinda wanted to get revenge on Bandora but still, I saved Frodo frickin' Baggins! And alright, considering the fact that I was kinda craving my bed anyway it wasn't such a bad punishment.

But still. As Mel so sweetly told me when she came into our room later that day – I had to stay in there and miss lunch.

They were going to make me MISS LUNCH! Miss. Lunch. Those two words are worse than any other two words in the history of the entire Shire, nay, the entire world. Worse than 'you're it' (whatever, that's technically three words but whatever, and if you think it's not bad then you have never met any of my brothers – I still have scars from that Briar Patch Incident); worse than 'smile Diamond' (I think it broke my mouth); worse even than 'which dress' or 'mend it'.

I am a hobbit ergo I can not - repeat CAN! NOT! – miss a meal. It's just not right. It's not proper. It should NEVER be done! Like ever!

So when Mel came _so_ _sweetly_ into my room and said _so kindly_ that unfortunately I would be missing lunch, a plan formed in my mind – the most ingenious plan of them all: An Escape Plan.

It was quite a simple one really. Open the window and slip gracefully to the ground like a badass ranger.

And I was just about to enact this ingenious plan – I had the window open and everything, when my other, almost as lovely, sister came in. Without knocking may I add!

Bandora had this stupid smug smile on her face and was waving a piece of paper in the air like a fan. I nonchalantly let the window slide close then turned to face her. This had better be good.

"What." I said, folding my arms and tilting my head to one side as aggressively as I possibly could – my neck still aches, seriously – aggressive head tilts are neither practical nor healthy.

"Oh nothing," she said, tossing her hair out of her face – I mean, that sort of thing works for Mel cos she actually has enough hair to do it, but Bandora, let's just say her hair is a bit thin for that (seriously – it looks like she has a huge forehead but it's just her hairline is scarily far back on her head!)

"Right," I said, getting more annoyed by the second, "So is there a reason you're in my room?" If she had nothing better to do than disrupt my carefully planned escape then she needed to get a hobby.

"Oh it's not something you'd be interested in though," she said snidely, "With your terrible people skills."

"Ok get out now." I said, attempting to shepherd her to the door. She wouldn't budge and as she is considerably larger than me (in both directions) it wasn't a physical fight I could win.

"You see we've been invited to a huge party," she said as if I was interested in things that she was, "That's why Frodo Baggins was here before you so terribly scared him off."

I wasn't going to dispute that – I'm sure I'd played some part in scaring of Frodo, but really, compared to the rest of my *shudders* _family_ , it was nothing. If anything, I'd saved him from them. Poor Frodo, I thought, by the sounds of this party it would seem his pain (being that of having to deal with my family) was never going to end.

"Of course," Bandora carried on, "After that display you put up earlier, our parents are seriously disputing whether you can go – you are a bit of a savage you know." I scowled at her.

"You finished?"

"Almost," she replied, looking down her nose at me, "You see you've still got some of that _stuff_ on you." I knew exactly what she meant by that – I'd tried to wash as much of the pig's snot off me as possible but it would seem not all of it. "There's a large clump in your hair." She gave me a patronising smile then flounced out of the room.

I slammed the door hard after her then turned to the mirror. She hadn't been lying – there, right on the top of my head, was a splodge of the yellow-green goo. I grabbed one of Mel's dresses and used it to pick the pig snot out of my hair. I just love my life ever so much. Stupid Bandora. Stupid pigs.

But at least I was able to now make a break for it.

So I opened the window nice and wide (I'm a hobbit not a pixie – sheesh I'm only small in the one direction ok?!). Then I squeezed myself out.

Ok so theoretically it should have been quite simple really but these things never are in practise. For one, the window closed when I was halfway through and for another the window was _almost_ too small for me. But with a bit of wiggling I managed to plop out in the end, landing in the hay-cart below.

It wasn't the smoothest of exits but at least it was an exit.

So there I was, covered in hay, with a huge tear in my blouse from the window and my skirt somehow over my head (I mean how?!) when I hear footsteps coming around the corner.

Before I could so much as attempt to pull my skirt down, along came the youngest of my brothers, Derec.

Bless him, he's a dear. I never really consider him one of my older brothers just because he always gives off this distinct 'lost sheep' vibe that no one else in my family has. He's quite scrawny for a hobbit and is slightly shorter than me.

"Oh hello there Diamond," he says, wandering over to the hay-cart I'm stuck in, "What on earth are you doing in there?"

"Looking for a needle," I said sardonically.

"What?" Derec asks, looking genuinely distressed by this, "But how on earth are you going to find it in all that – it'd be like... like..."

"Please don't say it." I said.

"Like looking for a needle in a haystack – oh wait!" He laughed; "Would you look at that – that's exactly what you are doing!"

"No I'm not Derec," I said sharply (pun intended), "I'm stuck. I had to get out of my room – they were going to stop me from eating."

"Oh gosh were they?" Derec said, looking even more distressed than before (and rightly so), "Well we can't have that, here"

He gave me his hand and with much puffing and heaving, he managed to pull me out of the hay-cart. I landed heavily on top of him.

"Hey Derec," I said, idly pulling out pieces of hay from my hair, "Have you ever heard of sarcasm?"

"Of course I know what that is Diamond," he said, "I'm not great at recognising it,"

"You think?" I muttered to myself.

"But I know what it is." He finished. I stood up then gave him my hand to pull him to his feet.

"Well thanks for the hand Derec," I said, "I'll catch you later." And without another word I sped off.

Look, ok, I like Derec – he's my brother, not that that means much considering the rest of them, and he's probably my only family member who I'd save from a burning building, but I don't want to spend time with him. I just don't want to.

He is testing, to say the least. Poor little Derec – he isn't the youngest but he is undeniably the runt of the family. Me and him, we both don't quite seem to fit in but I'm more of a mysterious pariah kinda figure whereas he's just... well... Derec.

He's annoying in a sort of can't-really-get-annoyed-with-him-way because he really doesn't mean it, and that makes him about a billion times more annoying. Look, I've gone out of my way before to stand up for him against the rest of our brothers – I am the last person to forget that Briar Patch Incident – but I don't want to be around him. I just don't want to spend time with him.

What can I say? My standards for friends are too high – only the best make it to my hanging around with status. So what if that standard is so high that no one has quite reached it. Actually a lot of people have but... obviously they have more important things to do! Peasants that they are.

But anyway, with Derec's help I'd successfully escaped the family hobbit hole, if not as smoothly as I'd have hoped, but at least I was free.

Free from their snobbery. Free from their stupidity.

Free to find lunch.

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 **A/N: This is so much fun to write once I get into it. What do you guys think of Derec? Yay or nay? :P**

 **Anyway, I am again, part the way through writing the next chapter but it may take a little longer to update just because I am very busy this weekend - I'm going to my very first wedding! Rather excited. :D**

 **But thank you thank you thank you sooo much for reading and reviewing - it's the best thing ever to have people take the time to read then review something you've written so THANK YOU! 3 3**


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